i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Randomize
