I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
