Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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