i permit you to call me
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
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