Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
