i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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