Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
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