Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
