Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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