and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize