My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
