you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
