What did we do last night that was yellow?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
