he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
