shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
