he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
