Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
