Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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