I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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