I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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