My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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