It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
