Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Ladies don't puke and tell
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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