what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
