Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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