Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
