so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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