I wish I could punch you in the face.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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