shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
