I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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