I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
