youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the day after is always just damage control
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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