i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
