Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
