I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
