doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
