Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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