So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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