What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
