you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
