I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
