so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
