I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just puked most of my soul out..
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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