I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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