soooo we both peed the bed last night...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
We were destined to go to rehab together
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
