cat food counts as protein by the way
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
