I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
