Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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