I can text with my tongue
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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