I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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