i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
