i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
