We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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