u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
