jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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