Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
