I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
