just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize