He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize