i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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