You can't motorboat a personality
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
