i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Let's paint friendship bongs
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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