Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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