a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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